Feeling Inadequate After College
I finished college officially over a month ago. I received the big Bachelor's degree and I feel....entirely the same. And, not to mention, entirely overwhelmed. Four years of college and I am finding myself feeling anxiety about the abyss like future ahead of me. I imagined that I would take graduation and "adult-hood" on gracefully...
One succinct step at a time and I would
1) graduate
2) receive a job (and in my mind that meant an "impressive" job)
3) I would have my life together.
So as I am sure you guessed, I have one of those goals achieved. I realized that it is so easy to imagine a "pinterest" perfect lifestyles for ourselves. Even though I would never admit it out loud to anyone or hold anyone to the same ridiculously high expectations, somewhere in the back of my mind I was so adamantly sure that I would be an outlier. Which has been another huge source of my anxiety.
I am slightly embarrassed to say that I was a bit of a neurotic student, one who was so fixated on a GPA and fueled by impressing others through internships, projects, etc. Mind you, I knew these were unhealthy patterns and I tired to work with them, but once college ended I was hit with the reality that "student" was no longer my identity. I know this is the case with so many of us. We work so hard throughout school, create a type of mentality and lifestyle that helps us succeed, and work within familiar bubbles like
work and school, but when graduation happens we are all left a little blindsided. Honestly, I don't feel like college truly prepared me for how inadequate applying for jobs would make me feel. Not to mention how inadequate I felt graduating with a degree and immediately becoming unsure of what field I wanted to go into. I feel like I've been programmed to work on a set trajectory and now it's been disrupted. I had to remind myself that change is the only constant in life.
Throughout college I became dead set on a very specific career path. So fixated that I wanted to work to be ahead of the game in every way. But the more internships I did, I felt I needed more work experience to convince myself that this was the field for me. I recently read a quote that said, "Looking for a sign is a sign", and my constant uncertainty about internships within that field, in retrospect, makes a lot of sense. With my graduation behind me and the job applications piling up a sense of dread washed over me. This field doesn't excite me anymore ---I didn't want to do it anymore and I wanted to do something that made me feel excited about the prospect of going work. I can't fully tell you why it shifted for me- it just did. And I had to remind myself of what I would have said as a kid, I want a job that brings me happiness, not a big pay check (although as someone applying to 5 jobs a week I definitely understand the importance of a steady pay check).
So here I am, writing this because it's been so long since I've written anything. I have about 15 tabs of Indeed jobs open and I am feeling as lost as ever. But I am mostly writing this because I want to feel honest on social media and in my interactions with people. I have only posted about times when I am out with friends and not when I am anxiously applying to jobs fearing I won't hear back from them. I have not been honest when I told people I feel relieved after graduating when in fact I feel anxious, fatigued, and intimidated. I am processing and it's a time of transition which is understandably difficult. A lot of people are often in times of transition and if anyone does read this- I hope you don't feel alone. Really what I want is to feel a sense of connection and understanding and write out what reality for me is a month after college.
One succinct step at a time and I would
1) graduate
2) receive a job (and in my mind that meant an "impressive" job)
3) I would have my life together.
So as I am sure you guessed, I have one of those goals achieved. I realized that it is so easy to imagine a "pinterest" perfect lifestyles for ourselves. Even though I would never admit it out loud to anyone or hold anyone to the same ridiculously high expectations, somewhere in the back of my mind I was so adamantly sure that I would be an outlier. Which has been another huge source of my anxiety.
I am slightly embarrassed to say that I was a bit of a neurotic student, one who was so fixated on a GPA and fueled by impressing others through internships, projects, etc. Mind you, I knew these were unhealthy patterns and I tired to work with them, but once college ended I was hit with the reality that "student" was no longer my identity. I know this is the case with so many of us. We work so hard throughout school, create a type of mentality and lifestyle that helps us succeed, and work within familiar bubbles like work and school, but when graduation happens we are all left a little blindsided. Honestly, I don't feel like college truly prepared me for how inadequate applying for jobs would make me feel. Not to mention how inadequate I felt graduating with a degree and immediately becoming unsure of what field I wanted to go into. I feel like I've been programmed to work on a set trajectory and now it's been disrupted. I had to remind myself that change is the only constant in life.
Throughout college I became dead set on a very specific career path. So fixated that I wanted to work to be ahead of the game in every way. But the more internships I did, I felt I needed more work experience to convince myself that this was the field for me. I recently read a quote that said, "Looking for a sign is a sign", and my constant uncertainty about internships within that field, in retrospect, makes a lot of sense. With my graduation behind me and the job applications piling up a sense of dread washed over me. This field doesn't excite me anymore ---I didn't want to do it anymore and I wanted to do something that made me feel excited about the prospect of going work. I can't fully tell you why it shifted for me- it just did. And I had to remind myself of what I would have said as a kid, I want a job that brings me happiness, not a big pay check (although as someone applying to 5 jobs a week I definitely understand the importance of a steady pay check).
So here I am, writing this because it's been so long since I've written anything. I have about 15 tabs of Indeed jobs open and I am feeling as lost as ever. But I am mostly writing this because I want to feel honest on social media and in my interactions with people. I have only posted about times when I am out with friends and not when I am anxiously applying to jobs fearing I won't hear back from them. I have not been honest when I told people I feel relieved after graduating when in fact I feel anxious, fatigued, and intimidated. I am processing and it's a time of transition which is understandably difficult. A lot of people are often in times of transition and if anyone does read this- I hope you don't feel alone. Really what I want is to feel a sense of connection and understanding and write out what reality for me is a month after college.
- We will not all find jobs immediately
- We may feel depressed and anxious about things changing
- We may compare ourselves to the success of others (& comparison brings nothing good)
- We may completely change our minds and make massive life choices
- We may feel a loss of identity
- JUST REMEMBER....we may also feel excitement about future possibilities
- JUST REMEMBER....we are not tied down to any set path (no matter what anyone says)
- JUST REMEMBER....we have a spark, a skill, and potential
- JUST REMEMBER....we are NOT inadequate
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